Day 13 – The Curse and Blessings of “Womanspeak”

My wife Pam and I have been happily married for 26 years this July. I love my wife dearly and am grateful to God for giving me such a wonderful woman.  Along the way I have come to learn some things about her like the fact that there will be times when I will find myself  standing in the middle of the room with the deer-in-the-headlights-look after something she just said.  It is inevitable.  For instance, early in our marriage I was trying to figure out what I did or said to make her so angry with me.  When she finally told me  I said to her, “But honey, you said…” and before I could finish my sentence she shouted, “I know that’s what I said but that’s not what I meant!”  It took almost 10 years of marriage before I was able to even begin to understand what that meant.  And like most men I learned early what, “I saved over $100 shopping today” means.  It means if the store advertised 10% off, she spent nearly $1,000.  What I eventually came to understand is the language of women is different than the language of men in more ways than any man could ever know.  We speak English and they speak womanspeak and womanspeak is an ever evolving language.

Womanspeak snuck up on me again today like a fat man’s underwear in Wranglers.  A winter blast of arctic air blew in from Canada plunging temperatures to a low of 10 degrees.   Our furnace is fueled by liquid propane gas (LP) and last night our LP tank ran completely dry.  Being the weekend there is little chance of a delivery so Pam headed to Craigslist to find green firewood “on sale” to burn in the fireplace until we can get a delivery of LP.  Sure enough, she found a ric of green firewood for sale “near here” for $50 and tells me “we” need to go and load it because they don’t deliver here.

Now, any man who has been married to a woman for any length of time will instinctively recognize a couple of red flags with that statement.  For instance, if the wood is “near here” and they advertise that they deliver, why won’t they deliver to us?  Immediately that “look” comes across her face as she says to me, “Because we are out of their delivery area,” as if this should somehow make sense to me.  Deer-in-the-headlights, again.

The other red flag is when any woman uses the word “we.”  For instance, when my wife says, “We need to put up the Christmas lights,” she really means, “Stop what you are doing, get the boys and go put up the Christmas lights because the Morley’s put up their Christmas lights today and we can’t let the Morley’s make us look bad.”  Or when my wife says, “We need to stop spending so much money on things we don’t need,” in womanspeak means, “You need to stop spending so much money on your boat and cigars.”  So today when she said, “We need to go and load up that wood and bring it home,” the womanspeak translation I heard was, “We need to go get the wood so you can load it, bring it home, and unload it while I sit in the truck with the heater on.”  And that was my work out today.  I loaded and unloaded a ric of green firewood.

My weigh-in this morning was unchanged at 257 pounds.  This is comforting knowing I had a couple of rum drinks last night by the fireplace with my lovely Pam.  Rum drinks are really not allowed on this diet.  While I was trying to deal with my inner conflict Pam came to my rescue with yet another utterance of womanspeak.  She told me I should consider rum a whole food since it is not distilled with whole grain.  Sometimes you just can’t argue with a woman.  I love you, baby!

End of Day 13

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