Day 11 – Caught With My Pants Down

I have never been a person afraid to embarrass himself.  Today was no exception.  But, in order to understand the incident you have to have some background.  When men get to be successfully overweight (my politically correct version of being fat) an annoying circumstance develops.  We used to call it “Indian underwear” meaning our underwear sneaks up on us.  Yes, I’m talking about the wedgy experience.  Seems the “tighty whity” isn’t designed for our posterior broadness and freakishly rides up causing the impulse to yank which may be OK at Wal-Mart but not while you are standing in line at Starbucks.  Strangely enough the tighy whity is fine for dress pants but for reasons unexplained by science they don’t work with Wranglers.

To rectify the problem I experimented with different brands and styles of men’s briefs until I discovered a style of underwear that stayed where it was supposed to stay.  The style that worked for me was the speedo looking style called men’s bikini briefs  that no real man from Oklahoma would ever be caught buying in public.  So, we send our wives to buy them for us.  Wearing these tiny undershorts is a little weird at first but any conflict with one’s manhood quickly passes when the relief of not experiencing a wedgy all day is realized. The trick is to never let the kids, especially my sons, ever catch me with my pants down.  The therapy for them would cost way too much and it is not covered in my health insurance.  Of course, these tiny briefs don’t come in white.  Rather, they come in every color but white.

This morning I got up early with my wife because I had a very busy day.  The room was dark when I reached into the dresser drawer to grab my socks and underwear to take to the shower.  When I got to the bathroom where the lights were on I discovered I grabbed a red pair of the underspeedos.  Since I had not yet had my coffee and wasn’t thinking clearly I didn’t consider the fact I was going to the rec center later in the day.  After a man puts on his underwear he doesn’t think about them again.  It was 12:30 when I finally got to the rec center just in time for the lunch crowd.  The men’s locker room was pretty full of guys in the usual state of transitioning from the showers to getting dressed or undressed.  I located a locker and began to prepare for my time of manly sweat. If you ever want to clear a room of straight naked men, have a pair of red underspeedos on when you drop your Wranglers.  As soon as I noticed my obvious oversight it was too late.  Oh, the horror!  It was like cockroaches scrambling when the light comes on.

Remember, this isn’t New York or LA.  This is Oklahoma where the winds – and the cowboys -come sweepin’ down the plain. Hollywood comes to Oklahoma to make movies like Twister, not Brokeback Mountain.  Oklahoma is so conservative it is the only state in the union where Obama didn’t win a single county in the last presidential election.  The most common middle name for boys here in Oklahoma is either John Deere or Bubba.  So when the Wranglers fell to my ankles you can imagine how the mood suddenly changed in the men’s locker room.  Fearful visions of a hangin’ party raced through my mind.  I did what any real man would do.  I quickly threw on my running shorts, pushed out my chest, let one rip and walked right out of the locker room flexing my muscles.  The whole thing was a nightmare.  Good thing it’s Friday.  I won’t be back to the rec center until Monday.  Maybe by then everyone will forget the entire humiliating episode.

Yesterday’s post referenced the tamale.  In the post I said the corn paste used in the tamale was not from a whole grain.  I was wrong.  According to the Whole Grain Council (yes, there is such a thing), corn in all forms is a whole grain.  This might explain why I gained a pound overnight despite the fact I worked out yesterday.  Live and learn. No more tamales. Also, since I went long today I will post the promised gems of wisdom from my weight doctor in tomorrow’s post.

The workout today was excellent!  Since this is the third day the Walk-Run was all run, I am changing the Walk-Run to just run.  The two miles went by even better than the last time.  I accomplished 37 push-ups, 30 sit-ups, and 30 deep knee bends before heading to the circuit training area where I did lat pull downs, curls, butterfly, chest press and some leg exercises.

As I said, my weigh-in this morning was disappointing as I was up a pound to 259.  I really think the tamales had something to do with it but it seems unlikely since I have cut so many calories and foods out compounded by real exercise.  I know the fat is going away because my pants fit much looser and I am noticing some definition in my upper body.  Maybe, like most of us, I want it all and I want it now!  Patience Mr. Ford!

End of Day 10

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2 thoughts on “Day 11 – Caught With My Pants Down

  1. Too funny! I bet you scared those good old boys when you dropped your drawers.

    Interesting about the corn, didn’t know it was considered a grain.

    I’m sure you are loosing the fat and your buffing up that’s why the weight is not dropping as fast as you would like. Your right you have to have patience and don’ t be discouraged.

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